From the Mailbag

The extended family is a source of joy and strife in everyone's life. Here's a letter from Jenny(name changed) who has just spent the better part of the Christmas holidays trying to be a tube of glue to keep her family together:

Dear Skylar,

The holidays, which are supposed to be a happy reunion for families have turned into a nightmare in mine. I am a 47 year old woman with a son who is about to be married, a married brother who is on his second transplanted kidney and on lots of medication to keep the transplant stable and his wife who can't seem to get enough attention. I also have a sister who is remarried to a man who lacks the gift of tact. My father died two years ago and I am now living with my mother. My sister-in-law can't but out of my son's wedding arrangements and when I confronted her and my brother, he screamed at me (I blame the drugs) and banished me. When my mother tried to intervene, he cut her off--basically breaking her heart. My remarried sister has already said she wants nothing to do with family gatherings because she feels judged by the "good Christians" there. Bottom line: I don't feel like I have a family anymore. How can I find peace and how can I help my mother? How can I let go of the resentment I feel for my sister-in-law and enjoy my son's wedding?

Jenny

Dear Jenny:

Take a deep breath. You are not alone. The holidays--with everyone's expectations of a good Christmas colliding--bring stress and disappointments along with the merriment. But it sounds like you have a bigger problem here and that problem is adult married children with their own families acting like they are still children and part of their birth families. They are not. When you left your parents' home you started your own family and that is the family that you must seek to preserve.

The only problem that you can address and change is your butting-in sister-in-law. Doesn't every family have one of these? The truth is: you can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her. You can stop putting yourself in her company (it sounds like your remarried sister did just that to her credit). But to stop the erosion of your own soul that resentment brings, you must close your eyes and wish her well. I am sending you at top speed the angel Maude who will swim with you in the pool of tranquility and who is--am I not right?--already soothing your thoughts. Your sister-in-law is to be pitied. She obviously has frustrations in her own life which she is trying to avoid by connecting with your life. Wish and pray that she finds some meaning in her own life and her own connections and leaves you to yours. You and your son must have something pretty special that she wants to intrude on and what is happier than a wedding? Give her a meaningful assignment in the wedding preparations and treat her like the lost soul that she is.

Namaste!

Skylar